THE MORNING AFTER I KILLED MYSELF                 

By Meggie Royer – From Her “Writings For Winter” Blog                             

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.                                    

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

Give a Little Bit...

So I'm doing a charity thing. I've been so much of this year chasing love and trying to figure it out that I forgot to focus on other things. First half of this year was dating and finding my way back to God. The dating part didn't pan out but at least the God part did. 

The charity I choose to support is Suicide Prevention.

NOW....

You know how people tell you that you don't know who your real friends are until blah blah blah? Yeah this is one of those times.

I think about all the money I've spent and time for that matter, going to all kinds of stuff to support my friends like:

- Going to see their boyfriends shitty band or rap whatever 

- Looking at their ugly jewelry for Stella dot

- Looking at ugly nail art on jam berry

- Going their stupid Mary Kay/sex toys/pampered chef/essential oil party

- Going to your wedding related activity/birthday party/ other special event even though we are not close

- Spending money on other useless shit just to show my support...

- Even spending time click on links to vote and sharing links

I don't especially care about most of these things but bc they do, I showed my support. So not to get it back, more than hurts, it's baffling. I'm a little pissed and petty and will likely no longer support those any more if I don't feel passionate about it. 

But, sunny side up, the silver lining is that I have been surprised about the donations I did receive. All these angels I either knew were around and some left unknown and I thank whoever it is...

I plan on knocking this out of the park so yeah...they can eat a bag of dicks.

xo

A Change Would Do You Good

I wish I was Taylor Swift good at writing songs about how much I hate boys. Instead, I strum along and sing songs that others wrote but the words don't feel any less true.

I made my apology with the boy. It went over...ok... I think part of me was hoping we gave it another shot but he seemed pretty uninterested so I left well enough alone. I feel relieved that it's over and quite sad for some reason but again, it could be worse. I doubt he'll reach out but you never know about these things. 

Moving along, I'm expiramenting with pink hair which officially means I'm having a quarter life / midlife crisis. Wtf. I never thought I'd be that girl. 

I keep changing things in hopes that it will snap me out of this crippling funk I'm in but so far nothing's been working. 

Back to googling...

xo

Danger! Danger!

There are some things that people should know based off of common sense. There are other things that you have to let a person know. 

HEY FACEBOOK MESSENGER...and all of its users, sure would've been nice if you all let someone know that when you create a group and add people to it... They can see the name of the group you put them in.....

I put my sisters in a group right when I was about to go to bed. Then I was going to put all of my exs in a group but couldn't figure out an awesome nam for the group. Some of the list of names that came to mind were; Long list of ex lovers? Dickbag mcdouche? People who are going to hell because they are terrible people? I was about to move a bunch of guys into that category but fell asleep.

That my friends is God stepping in.

I woke up and my younger sister had sent a message that was like "you made a group for us! Yay!" I was like how did she know? And then immediately I was like TELL ME I DIDNT MAKE IT...

I didn't.

But holy fuck balls...

Also it added ALL of my contacts to this messenger thing BUT I thought it FRIEND requested everyone in my phone which includes my coworkers/staff/bosses past and present and of course.. More guys I used to talk to or date but never got around to deleting.

I've never had a heart attack before but I'm fairly sure it felt something like that. 

It's terrible that more than the people I work with, I was more concerned with exes. 

I just need a vaycay from social media and the phone in general... 

Hahah well til next time...

xo

Get Over Yourself--Goodbye

People should definitely take this advice to be playful with your love. Not prideful and not play with someone else's love--mmmhmmm. Hahah 

Something I'm noticing more from girls than guys lately (and maybe always) is that the amount of pride girls have lately is baffling. Ok probably not so easy to believe when there are oh so many THOTs running around but truly, a lot of my female friends and relatives--pride is ridiculous. 

The things that they won't say or do in the name of love due to their "pride" is mind blowing. From my point of view, I totally understand not wanting to have your ego squashed or feelings butt hurt...but sometimes it's not about that. Sometimes it's just about figuring shit out aloud and being the first one to make the move, whether it's to initiate conversation via text or phone, offer an apology, etc.

It's not desperate or thirsty (assuming it's a one time thing and you're not staking the shit out of someone).

So many of the females in my life boldly claim to be honest and upfront and typically they are but when it comes to men, they like to pretend not to care and secretly seethe rather than putting shit out there. Wtf sense does that make, ladies... If you feel some kinda way, then just say it. Too many people are obsessed with "winning" and looking like they got the "upper hand" and someone else is "crawling back" to them etc etc.

Honesty? Fuck that. It is what it is and if someone takes that (your attempt to open dialogue first) as a sign of weakness or submission, then they are sadder than you. Truly. This isn't a dick measuring contest. Even if it was, you may have the longest dick of them all but clearly, no balls.

Naturally, it's easy for me to say rather than take my own advice. There's a boy I need to reach out to just to apologize and nothing more and it's literally causing me physical discomfort to do so bc I'd rather set myself on fire and roll around in glass than to reach out to him. But... It's not about him--it's about my ability to make peace with what I've done, and I owe him an apology, despite what he has done. 

And I will reach out... Once I finish finding a million other things I need to do before I do haha this is what I mean by I understand. I am, however, really going to reach out so.. I'm not a total hypocrite. 

Here's to my last prideful post and hoping to make amends or at least find some peace.

xo

Cleaning Out My Closet

Bags and bags and bags of my past tossed out...sadly this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface but it's a good start. Notes, bday cards, Xmas cards, backstreet boys posters, magazines, etc. I thought I'd never say good bye to the fan merchandise but I realized that I will not be Mrs. Nick Carter so it's a bit easier to move on :)

Not to mention I'm on this kick where I'm all about clearing out the old to bring in the new. I cleared it people I don't know from my Facebook or don't really remember and likely in a little bit I'm going to unfriend people I straight up do not like. (But without that annoying passive aggressive message that people post).

I'm sincerely hoping that all this clearing out old stuff will bring me new things and not necessarily material... A new love or a new old love would be ideal but it's not really up to me hahah bummer.

Ugh. This summer has been a summer of change but boring. Maybe my first tattoo will shake things up...

xo

Foolish Games (Contin)

Part 2

Sometimes I hate people but then i remember I have some rad friends like Bobby and Waltersaurus (yes that is his real name)

xo

Foolish Games

I love a good emoji and we all know that breathe music so me and two of my dear/favorite guy friends who were clearly bored at work a lot played a "name that tune" type of game:

..and this is only part 1...

xo

Same Love

I can't figure out why every little thing catches fire on social media. Anything from that damn dress (which btw is totally blue and black) to the ALS ice bucket challenge to anger about political and or social issues.

Recently, the hottest debates are about the confederate flag and gay marriage. I'm not going to tackle the confederate flag mostly due to the fact that well, I don't have the facts. I have an obvious opinion in my head but before I go to battle about something, I like to be informed and well versed.

Ok so maybe I'm not well versed about being gay because I'm straight, but I do know what basic human rights are and I am love's number one warrior. I LOVE love and I can't help it. The picture above is my old cub and I stuck hearts all over it because I love love and was hoping to attract some to me... Didn't quite work hahah but that's not the point!! 

I'm sure there are various reasons why people are against it but for some reason, I just can't play devils advocate and totally understand where the other side is coming from. In my opinion, being anti-gay is the same thing as being a racist. It's judging someone based on something that is not a choice and they cannot change (and frankly why should anyone?) 

You don't have to agree with anyone's lifestyle but to put a law against it or throw a damn tantrum because a victory was won, is absurd. If it's not hurting anyone and not taking anything away from you, what the fuck balls do you care what anyone does or who they fall in love with? 

Love is love. Period. 

I stay quite on social media for a multitude of reasons (mostly I will likely tear someone up if they say something stupid and acting like a monster won't help me win my case) and this is my forum to say what I want and this is what I want to say:

I could not be happier that gay marriage is now recognized in all 50 states. Everyone deserves the opportunity to have their love acknowledged, legalized, whatever the correct word is.

All I know is, love is loves and another win for love is always alright in my book.

xo

There is a Season

Truly there is a season to everything in life. The literal season right now is a very swampy and humid typical DC Metro summer. These conditions are not favorable if you are not a mosquito or a toucan. 

Hannah is packing up her family and her life here and moving back West. Her goodbye party was at the park in the picture above. It's such an odd mix of emotions. I'm actually really excited that she's moving back and will be able to 1. Get the fuck out of pretentious DC 2. Be close to her family and 3. Get the fuck out of pretentious DC. 

Hannah is one of my rare gems in life where she is insanely smart, advocates professionally/in life in general for equality and has such a big heart/compassion for people and situations. She's extremely genuine and for all the reasons above she is undoubtedly not made to be in this area for longer than she already has been. Now her beautiful baby boy will not grow up to be an asshole, but considering who his parents are that would never have happened anyway.

I never got to see Hannah often enough but when I did, it was awesome and always like picking right up. I really feel like she's on my side in life (not that she agrees with my opinions or actions all the time but rather genuinely gives a shit about me and wants me to do well in life). 

Sometimes I avoid people when too much bad shit is going on bc it's terrible to constantly talk about that. It's such a buzzkill and as nice as some friends can be, it can be exhausting--I feel the same way when I catch up with people and it's like sighhh here we go again. But ive never gotten that with her. She admits her own shortcomings in life and it's just refreshing. 

I say this all to say, I hate to see her go bc I have grown to hate people but I don't hate Hannah :)

Ironically, on the same day, I found out that one of my best friends Jeremy is moving to Florida. Same idea with him which is that he needed a change from this area and it was making him jaded. Maybe he would've been jaded bc of life rather than geographic location but I don't think that being in this area helped. 

Sorry Jeremy for giving you the short end of the stick bc I gushed about Hannah and have not about you. But if I were to do it briefly, it would be that I truly think I've never met anyone else that legitimately didn't judge me for anything that I was or am--physically, financially, mentally/emotionally. Definitely did not agree with me and my crazy but never made me feel like it was not ok to be me. Got lots of tough love and lectures but always from a good place. It was like having a true male BFF but not quite brother status. I hope to be able to be as seemingly apathetic as he is towards strangers feelings which makes him sound like a dick and he can be at times but, truly, why should anyone else, particularly strangers, thoughts or perceptions bother me? Fuck them is what he'd say. I'd agree but secretly be hurt and stew and lament over people that shouldn't matter... 

Again, I feel some sadness sinking in because while neither of them is terminally ill or anything, things aren't ever quite the same when people move and though you may not see them often at all, there's something to be said about being able to call someone up and meet for a coffee or go to their place or whatever.

Their seasons are up in the DC area and they are certainly taking a piece of my heart with them. 

And speaking of friends for a season, I ran into a girl who o used to consider like a sister and we haven't spoken in almost a decade... She looked stunned to see me. I just smiled and kept walking and it wasn't in a bitchy way. It was more like, I wasn't going to pretend like I didn't know her... I also truthfully was on a time crunch. In a way I kinda hope to run into her again just to say hi and wish her well in life. Maybe that day will come and maybe not but its funny when all the hurt and anger is gone, you sincerely do feel nothing for the person and truly do wish them well in life. Why not? Maybe we weren't meant to be friends or served our purpose in the other ones life. 

Whatever it is, the seasons are changing. Usually I associate that with any other season but summer. Summers I usually equate with being settled. Lazy. Carefree. Routine. Vaycay. Relax. Quick romantic flings and trips and things. Not big life moves but here they are, moving along. And why shouldn't they? 

I'm continuing to figure shit out and hope one day when I move along, in whatever capacity, that I am missed and will have made an impact, even if a small footprint, on the lives of those I considered friends or romantically involved with. 

xo

Bad Blood

No idea why but I saw this at a wedding and the song "Bad Blood" came to mind. And I also felt like it's totally representative of who I am at the moment. 

I can't put my finger on it but I can't figure out for the life of me what's going on in any capacity. 

Mostly of who I am. And why people think I'm such a bitch. I know it sounds obnoxious but by looks alone, I feel like I look like a nice girl. 

One of my more recent dates told me I had resting bitch face. I've also gotten several messages saying the same from various guys per a dating site that I'm on. It's bizarre bc not only do I feel like I look like a nice person, but I feel deeply for people but just don't know how to emote it I guess... I feel like I do but apparently not...

There are three guys I care deeply for and none of the three seem to have understood.

Simply put, I don't think any of them realized how much I cared and care for them and there's no reassurance of why I should continue to do this when I clearly don't get it back. Not to say they didn't in their own way show signs of love and affection but... Clearly it wasn't blatant enough bc I'm still by myself and not in the "I'm fabulously single" kind of way. 

I go through moments when I blame myself. And by moments its a majority of the time. I don't know what else I can do to melt my ice princess image and who wants to be shattered over and over again? 

I really wonder if I should take a page from the Taylor Swift notebook and start writing songs...

xo 

Sally