Same Love

I can't figure out why every little thing catches fire on social media. Anything from that damn dress (which btw is totally blue and black) to the ALS ice bucket challenge to anger about political and or social issues.

Recently, the hottest debates are about the confederate flag and gay marriage. I'm not going to tackle the confederate flag mostly due to the fact that well, I don't have the facts. I have an obvious opinion in my head but before I go to battle about something, I like to be informed and well versed.

Ok so maybe I'm not well versed about being gay because I'm straight, but I do know what basic human rights are and I am love's number one warrior. I LOVE love and I can't help it. The picture above is my old cub and I stuck hearts all over it because I love love and was hoping to attract some to me... Didn't quite work hahah but that's not the point!! 

I'm sure there are various reasons why people are against it but for some reason, I just can't play devils advocate and totally understand where the other side is coming from. In my opinion, being anti-gay is the same thing as being a racist. It's judging someone based on something that is not a choice and they cannot change (and frankly why should anyone?) 

You don't have to agree with anyone's lifestyle but to put a law against it or throw a damn tantrum because a victory was won, is absurd. If it's not hurting anyone and not taking anything away from you, what the fuck balls do you care what anyone does or who they fall in love with? 

Love is love. Period. 

I stay quite on social media for a multitude of reasons (mostly I will likely tear someone up if they say something stupid and acting like a monster won't help me win my case) and this is my forum to say what I want and this is what I want to say:

I could not be happier that gay marriage is now recognized in all 50 states. Everyone deserves the opportunity to have their love acknowledged, legalized, whatever the correct word is.

All I know is, love is loves and another win for love is always alright in my book.

xo

There is a Season

Truly there is a season to everything in life. The literal season right now is a very swampy and humid typical DC Metro summer. These conditions are not favorable if you are not a mosquito or a toucan. 

Hannah is packing up her family and her life here and moving back West. Her goodbye party was at the park in the picture above. It's such an odd mix of emotions. I'm actually really excited that she's moving back and will be able to 1. Get the fuck out of pretentious DC 2. Be close to her family and 3. Get the fuck out of pretentious DC. 

Hannah is one of my rare gems in life where she is insanely smart, advocates professionally/in life in general for equality and has such a big heart/compassion for people and situations. She's extremely genuine and for all the reasons above she is undoubtedly not made to be in this area for longer than she already has been. Now her beautiful baby boy will not grow up to be an asshole, but considering who his parents are that would never have happened anyway.

I never got to see Hannah often enough but when I did, it was awesome and always like picking right up. I really feel like she's on my side in life (not that she agrees with my opinions or actions all the time but rather genuinely gives a shit about me and wants me to do well in life). 

Sometimes I avoid people when too much bad shit is going on bc it's terrible to constantly talk about that. It's such a buzzkill and as nice as some friends can be, it can be exhausting--I feel the same way when I catch up with people and it's like sighhh here we go again. But ive never gotten that with her. She admits her own shortcomings in life and it's just refreshing. 

I say this all to say, I hate to see her go bc I have grown to hate people but I don't hate Hannah :)

Ironically, on the same day, I found out that one of my best friends Jeremy is moving to Florida. Same idea with him which is that he needed a change from this area and it was making him jaded. Maybe he would've been jaded bc of life rather than geographic location but I don't think that being in this area helped. 

Sorry Jeremy for giving you the short end of the stick bc I gushed about Hannah and have not about you. But if I were to do it briefly, it would be that I truly think I've never met anyone else that legitimately didn't judge me for anything that I was or am--physically, financially, mentally/emotionally. Definitely did not agree with me and my crazy but never made me feel like it was not ok to be me. Got lots of tough love and lectures but always from a good place. It was like having a true male BFF but not quite brother status. I hope to be able to be as seemingly apathetic as he is towards strangers feelings which makes him sound like a dick and he can be at times but, truly, why should anyone else, particularly strangers, thoughts or perceptions bother me? Fuck them is what he'd say. I'd agree but secretly be hurt and stew and lament over people that shouldn't matter... 

Again, I feel some sadness sinking in because while neither of them is terminally ill or anything, things aren't ever quite the same when people move and though you may not see them often at all, there's something to be said about being able to call someone up and meet for a coffee or go to their place or whatever.

Their seasons are up in the DC area and they are certainly taking a piece of my heart with them. 

And speaking of friends for a season, I ran into a girl who o used to consider like a sister and we haven't spoken in almost a decade... She looked stunned to see me. I just smiled and kept walking and it wasn't in a bitchy way. It was more like, I wasn't going to pretend like I didn't know her... I also truthfully was on a time crunch. In a way I kinda hope to run into her again just to say hi and wish her well in life. Maybe that day will come and maybe not but its funny when all the hurt and anger is gone, you sincerely do feel nothing for the person and truly do wish them well in life. Why not? Maybe we weren't meant to be friends or served our purpose in the other ones life. 

Whatever it is, the seasons are changing. Usually I associate that with any other season but summer. Summers I usually equate with being settled. Lazy. Carefree. Routine. Vaycay. Relax. Quick romantic flings and trips and things. Not big life moves but here they are, moving along. And why shouldn't they? 

I'm continuing to figure shit out and hope one day when I move along, in whatever capacity, that I am missed and will have made an impact, even if a small footprint, on the lives of those I considered friends or romantically involved with. 

xo

Bad Blood

No idea why but I saw this at a wedding and the song "Bad Blood" came to mind. And I also felt like it's totally representative of who I am at the moment. 

I can't put my finger on it but I can't figure out for the life of me what's going on in any capacity. 

Mostly of who I am. And why people think I'm such a bitch. I know it sounds obnoxious but by looks alone, I feel like I look like a nice girl. 

One of my more recent dates told me I had resting bitch face. I've also gotten several messages saying the same from various guys per a dating site that I'm on. It's bizarre bc not only do I feel like I look like a nice person, but I feel deeply for people but just don't know how to emote it I guess... I feel like I do but apparently not...

There are three guys I care deeply for and none of the three seem to have understood.

Simply put, I don't think any of them realized how much I cared and care for them and there's no reassurance of why I should continue to do this when I clearly don't get it back. Not to say they didn't in their own way show signs of love and affection but... Clearly it wasn't blatant enough bc I'm still by myself and not in the "I'm fabulously single" kind of way. 

I go through moments when I blame myself. And by moments its a majority of the time. I don't know what else I can do to melt my ice princess image and who wants to be shattered over and over again? 

I really wonder if I should take a page from the Taylor Swift notebook and start writing songs...

xo 

Sally

Over Protected

That amazing little excerpt is from a convo btw my younger sister and I and her crazy theories based on Lifetime Movies about where/how likely you are to be murdered based on geographic location. 

Dating continues and it's been entertaining being able share my stories but I think i should probably dial it back soon and go back to being my usual private self. I say that because there's a huge imbalance of opinions.

I have one set of friends and family that are like YAAASSS HONEY YAAASSS!!! With every guy I meet. 

The other set is..he's not that cute...I don't know about him...

I'm no means a model and I'm fairly sure I've said that before and will continue to say so. That's why it's confusing to hear that such and such guy isn't cute bc it's like well, I don't think they are uggo or I wouldn't have responded and I'm no beauty queen either so it would be ironic if I were to be all judgey about that. 

I hope all this dating comes to an end soon bc it's exhausting and off putting. 

I'm secretly pulling for someone but that has yet to be seen.... 

Crossing my fingers that this next one is not a d-bag or creep. 

xo

Wall to Wall

That was my beautiful view today. 

I know in the summer people love to be single but I'm finding that to be lesser true. When I was younger, yeah for sure I wanted to be single but now I'm older and being single is a little depressing right now. I sometimes wish I was one of those people who didn't give a fuck about standards and just settled for any one. 

I can't do that. 

I've been told repeatedly that I have a wall up...I can't help it. I tried with the Guy #1 (I decided per my previous blog that Paid Guy sounded like an escort). He let me know in the nicest way possible that I had some issues that were making it hard to let him in. I tried my best to fix it and opened myself up to him which was extremely hard--not bc of who he is but bc of who I am. That didn't seem to be enough though. 

After four months, I got dumped via text. Ouch. Big ouch. And if that wasn't bad enough, it was left open ended so I truly don't know what to do. 

The delivery itself is cringe worthy but what makes it completely gut wrenching is that I actually allowed myself to be open to someone I really liked and thought was genuine, and then boom. Out of nowhere I get a text that basically says I am free to date others but this wasn't a break up text. My head can't process it, let alone my heart (heart meaning "I like you" feelings.... Not love!!)

Even though I was not thrilled with the whole thing, when I looked at my relationship with him overall, I thought it was overall positive. So, I sent him a sweet and thoughtful text letting him know I understand and hope all the stuff he was going through got better and wished him well in life. And for once, I wasn't sarcastic about it-- at all. I was actually proud of myself for taking the high road, appreciating the positive qualities about him and what we had and then letting go. 

Then I got a response that he left the country and would be back the following week. 

....what....? 

That's the worst of it. It could've just ended with me leaving things positive and letting him know my door is open for him as a friend as he goes through whatever it is he's going through. And then he went and sent that. 

I don't feel like I deserve that. In fact, I know I don't. Maybe I wasn't perfect but anything I did was never intended to harm or hurt feelings and I feel like that was really mean.

So many people have done the whole "glad he's gone" speech and "never liked him" but I'm not glad and I DID like him. I can respect and accept that things end but at least let it be finite. Keeping it open... Makes no sense...

I'm not going to continue to keep a wall up or anything like DAMN YOU! Hahah it's all just confusing. 

xo