That was my beautiful view today.
I know in the summer people love to be single but I'm finding that to be lesser true. When I was younger, yeah for sure I wanted to be single but now I'm older and being single is a little depressing right now. I sometimes wish I was one of those people who didn't give a fuck about standards and just settled for any one.
I can't do that.
I've been told repeatedly that I have a wall up...I can't help it. I tried with the Guy #1 (I decided per my previous blog that Paid Guy sounded like an escort). He let me know in the nicest way possible that I had some issues that were making it hard to let him in. I tried my best to fix it and opened myself up to him which was extremely hard--not bc of who he is but bc of who I am. That didn't seem to be enough though.
After four months, I got dumped via text. Ouch. Big ouch. And if that wasn't bad enough, it was left open ended so I truly don't know what to do.
The delivery itself is cringe worthy but what makes it completely gut wrenching is that I actually allowed myself to be open to someone I really liked and thought was genuine, and then boom. Out of nowhere I get a text that basically says I am free to date others but this wasn't a break up text. My head can't process it, let alone my heart (heart meaning "I like you" feelings.... Not love!!)
Even though I was not thrilled with the whole thing, when I looked at my relationship with him overall, I thought it was overall positive. So, I sent him a sweet and thoughtful text letting him know I understand and hope all the stuff he was going through got better and wished him well in life. And for once, I wasn't sarcastic about it-- at all. I was actually proud of myself for taking the high road, appreciating the positive qualities about him and what we had and then letting go.
Then I got a response that he left the country and would be back the following week.
....what....?
That's the worst of it. It could've just ended with me leaving things positive and letting him know my door is open for him as a friend as he goes through whatever it is he's going through. And then he went and sent that.
I don't feel like I deserve that. In fact, I know I don't. Maybe I wasn't perfect but anything I did was never intended to harm or hurt feelings and I feel like that was really mean.
So many people have done the whole "glad he's gone" speech and "never liked him" but I'm not glad and I DID like him. I can respect and accept that things end but at least let it be finite. Keeping it open... Makes no sense...
I'm not going to continue to keep a wall up or anything like DAMN YOU! Hahah it's all just confusing.
xo
