THE MORNING AFTER I KILLED MYSELF                 

By Meggie Royer – From Her “Writings For Winter” Blog                             

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up.

I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.                                    

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.

Give a Little Bit...

So I'm doing a charity thing. I've been so much of this year chasing love and trying to figure it out that I forgot to focus on other things. First half of this year was dating and finding my way back to God. The dating part didn't pan out but at least the God part did. 

The charity I choose to support is Suicide Prevention.

NOW....

You know how people tell you that you don't know who your real friends are until blah blah blah? Yeah this is one of those times.

I think about all the money I've spent and time for that matter, going to all kinds of stuff to support my friends like:

- Going to see their boyfriends shitty band or rap whatever 

- Looking at their ugly jewelry for Stella dot

- Looking at ugly nail art on jam berry

- Going their stupid Mary Kay/sex toys/pampered chef/essential oil party

- Going to your wedding related activity/birthday party/ other special event even though we are not close

- Spending money on other useless shit just to show my support...

- Even spending time click on links to vote and sharing links

I don't especially care about most of these things but bc they do, I showed my support. So not to get it back, more than hurts, it's baffling. I'm a little pissed and petty and will likely no longer support those any more if I don't feel passionate about it. 

But, sunny side up, the silver lining is that I have been surprised about the donations I did receive. All these angels I either knew were around and some left unknown and I thank whoever it is...

I plan on knocking this out of the park so yeah...they can eat a bag of dicks.

xo

A Change Would Do You Good

I wish I was Taylor Swift good at writing songs about how much I hate boys. Instead, I strum along and sing songs that others wrote but the words don't feel any less true.

I made my apology with the boy. It went over...ok... I think part of me was hoping we gave it another shot but he seemed pretty uninterested so I left well enough alone. I feel relieved that it's over and quite sad for some reason but again, it could be worse. I doubt he'll reach out but you never know about these things. 

Moving along, I'm expiramenting with pink hair which officially means I'm having a quarter life / midlife crisis. Wtf. I never thought I'd be that girl. 

I keep changing things in hopes that it will snap me out of this crippling funk I'm in but so far nothing's been working. 

Back to googling...

xo

Danger! Danger!

There are some things that people should know based off of common sense. There are other things that you have to let a person know. 

HEY FACEBOOK MESSENGER...and all of its users, sure would've been nice if you all let someone know that when you create a group and add people to it... They can see the name of the group you put them in.....

I put my sisters in a group right when I was about to go to bed. Then I was going to put all of my exs in a group but couldn't figure out an awesome nam for the group. Some of the list of names that came to mind were; Long list of ex lovers? Dickbag mcdouche? People who are going to hell because they are terrible people? I was about to move a bunch of guys into that category but fell asleep.

That my friends is God stepping in.

I woke up and my younger sister had sent a message that was like "you made a group for us! Yay!" I was like how did she know? And then immediately I was like TELL ME I DIDNT MAKE IT...

I didn't.

But holy fuck balls...

Also it added ALL of my contacts to this messenger thing BUT I thought it FRIEND requested everyone in my phone which includes my coworkers/staff/bosses past and present and of course.. More guys I used to talk to or date but never got around to deleting.

I've never had a heart attack before but I'm fairly sure it felt something like that. 

It's terrible that more than the people I work with, I was more concerned with exes. 

I just need a vaycay from social media and the phone in general... 

Hahah well til next time...

xo

Get Over Yourself--Goodbye

People should definitely take this advice to be playful with your love. Not prideful and not play with someone else's love--mmmhmmm. Hahah 

Something I'm noticing more from girls than guys lately (and maybe always) is that the amount of pride girls have lately is baffling. Ok probably not so easy to believe when there are oh so many THOTs running around but truly, a lot of my female friends and relatives--pride is ridiculous. 

The things that they won't say or do in the name of love due to their "pride" is mind blowing. From my point of view, I totally understand not wanting to have your ego squashed or feelings butt hurt...but sometimes it's not about that. Sometimes it's just about figuring shit out aloud and being the first one to make the move, whether it's to initiate conversation via text or phone, offer an apology, etc.

It's not desperate or thirsty (assuming it's a one time thing and you're not staking the shit out of someone).

So many of the females in my life boldly claim to be honest and upfront and typically they are but when it comes to men, they like to pretend not to care and secretly seethe rather than putting shit out there. Wtf sense does that make, ladies... If you feel some kinda way, then just say it. Too many people are obsessed with "winning" and looking like they got the "upper hand" and someone else is "crawling back" to them etc etc.

Honesty? Fuck that. It is what it is and if someone takes that (your attempt to open dialogue first) as a sign of weakness or submission, then they are sadder than you. Truly. This isn't a dick measuring contest. Even if it was, you may have the longest dick of them all but clearly, no balls.

Naturally, it's easy for me to say rather than take my own advice. There's a boy I need to reach out to just to apologize and nothing more and it's literally causing me physical discomfort to do so bc I'd rather set myself on fire and roll around in glass than to reach out to him. But... It's not about him--it's about my ability to make peace with what I've done, and I owe him an apology, despite what he has done. 

And I will reach out... Once I finish finding a million other things I need to do before I do haha this is what I mean by I understand. I am, however, really going to reach out so.. I'm not a total hypocrite. 

Here's to my last prideful post and hoping to make amends or at least find some peace.

xo

Cleaning Out My Closet

Bags and bags and bags of my past tossed out...sadly this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface but it's a good start. Notes, bday cards, Xmas cards, backstreet boys posters, magazines, etc. I thought I'd never say good bye to the fan merchandise but I realized that I will not be Mrs. Nick Carter so it's a bit easier to move on :)

Not to mention I'm on this kick where I'm all about clearing out the old to bring in the new. I cleared it people I don't know from my Facebook or don't really remember and likely in a little bit I'm going to unfriend people I straight up do not like. (But without that annoying passive aggressive message that people post).

I'm sincerely hoping that all this clearing out old stuff will bring me new things and not necessarily material... A new love or a new old love would be ideal but it's not really up to me hahah bummer.

Ugh. This summer has been a summer of change but boring. Maybe my first tattoo will shake things up...

xo

Foolish Games (Contin)

Part 2

Sometimes I hate people but then i remember I have some rad friends like Bobby and Waltersaurus (yes that is his real name)

xo